Diary of a Heretic Has Been Transformed!

Diary of a Heretic Has Been Transformed!

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K

All Is Forgiven

On the phone, Walter said the day he turned 50, he called Mike and learned she was marrying Gavin. That nearly killed him. Not only had he lost her (no surprise), but his fear had driven deeper beneath his so-called composure, leaving him sealed in shellac, empty inside. He could never justify his fixation on Amanda when she was a child, which was much different from taking care of a seriously neglected girl.

(click here for the first episode; here for the previous) 

“Three years ago, I was wrong to disappear,” he said. “Another irrational attempt to purify myself for you.” When all he’d done was inflict misery. Since then, he had retreated into the intricacies of trade regulation—and pathetically, spent hours lifting weights and recalling her skipping home from school.

Recently, however, he’d reached a turning point. Living close to her, in the vicinity, would have to suffice. He’d be happier here even if he couldn’t see her. “I promise to stay out of your life.”

Amanda exhaled and fell back against the tree trunk. “If you only knew what hearing your voice does to me…”

Walter held his breath. She could practically see him on the twentieth floor, squinting at Lake Michigan’s horizon, not daring to breathe. Finally, he said, “You take me by storm.” Nobody and nothing frightened Walter except his passion for her. Someday perhaps she would see him like an old friend. “I hope—remote hope—that in time you can give me a small role, say, as your date for lunch.”

She giggled.

“Is that funny?”

“You don’t want a role. We’re not casting a play. But Walter—it’s really you! Tell me you’re here so that you and I can finally love each other free of restriction.”

This left him dumbstruck. He couldn’t and wouldn’t compromise her marriage.

“Our big mistake was following the rules. Those rules for other people. Not us. We belong together.”

“Someday will you drive into the city and see where I live?”

“Someday is tomorrow,” she said. “But you come here. We’ll have more time that way. I’ll take Callie to the babysitter’s.”

“I’m sorry for my hideous jealousy of Freddie. I stepped away so no accusation could slip out. But if I’d been with you that summer, you never would have married him.”

“That wasn’t your fault! My friend Chloe asked if I was making such a blatant mistake to get back at you. I wasn’t, and she agreed. I married him for no reason.”

Walter would always regret bringing Danielle to her house. In return, Nick had dropped his name to the team investigating the most slippery banking practices. He still enjoyed the work, but it wasn’t worth it.

“James is worth it. If it weren’t for Danielle, we wouldn’t have him.”

He said, “Have you forgiven me?”

“There’s so much I wanna make up to you.”

For months, she told him, she could sense this phone call in the offing. Every evening, she lay in the backyard and stared at the stars. The trees swayed and, she caught the sound of him saying her name. Alone for a minute or an hour, aware of the springtime, she felt a pressure mounting. Her blood quickened.

Could she ring him during Callie’s nap? They’d say everything that needed saying today so that tomorrow, no words. 

All right but the thing was, every unloved child, or adult for that matter, constantly sought love or a semblance of it. Walter loved Amanda with exponential fascination and had deserted her once she was safe rather than take further emotional advantage of her.

“Listen to me, Walter. ‘Emotional advantage’ isn’t wrong. It happens all the time and really doesn’t count between us.”

“So—I should have asked you. I was just too upset.”

“Forget that. We’ve got now.”

She hung up exultant—and jumped to her feet in one motion.

At the playground, she thanked Maya for entertaining Callie.

“What was that?” Maya asked. “You should see yourself.”

She smiled at her friend and lifted toddling Callie from the swing.

That night Gavin really did work late. Scott refused to cover for him now that his schedule didn’t include clandestine adventures. Scott preferred a comrade in arms. After hours, Gavin worked the phone, finding someone for his downtown office, but not Oak Park.

Amanda should have told him about Walter when he mentioned Scott. But she dropped a dish. Then while Gavin told her about his arrangement with Dr. Becker (Caroline’s recommendation), she silently practiced explaining that Walter was at hand. But James needed a bath. Callie had crayoned a wall. Evie asked Amanda to read her booklet of poems, due tomorrow. Gavin checked Vanessa’s homework—35 improper fractions converted to mixed numbers.

Before they got into bed, Gavin gently held the back of her neck and asked, “What is it?”

She swallowed. “What?”

“Something big. I see that much.”

In response, she kissed him carefully, very carefully. Then in the greenhouse she spent the night spinning inside herself. The sky lightened and the canaries sang. For a few minutes she shivered near reverence.

Upstairs before anyone woke, she glanced at the mirror in the bathroom. Where was the girl whose smile, Walter said, stopped time? Five years ago, she’d seen that smile in the strange chill of a Christmas Eve morning.

But now if she smiled, it wouldn’t work. Amanda wanted to see that dazzling girl way too much. Better if she waited for Walter’s first touch.

(to be continued)