Lifelong Desires
An excerpt from my novel, Diary of a Heretic: Click here to read the previous (and first) episode.
Was it a joke? Was he reading my diary? After closing yesterday, after all the money was counted and our customers had gone home to prepare for whatever New Year’s Eve rituals they would endure or enjoy, my head baker, the impossible, arrogant Carlos Villalobos, produced a bottle of Taittinger champagne and two tulip-shaped glasses. With his weathered, houndish face and dyed-brown braid to his waist, Carlos works hard to project a sinister air, but he suddenly was Mr. Friendly. “To the New Year!” he said.
Soon, feeling loose and flushed, I sat back on the countertop. Carlos and I have worked together for two years. And though our relationship is uneasy, he does know me. He knows I’m socially out of practice.
Do people still describe their pet fantasies the way they might let you know about their childhood? Do they consider it socially acceptable to talk about their fondest, impossible dream, the one they know will never happen, even though it won’t let go of them? To which a friend-in-the-making says, “Nice dream. Here’s mine…”?
Mildly giddy, I told Carlos that someday I wanted to start a discussion group where people would say all the stuff no one dares to worry about in private. “Let alone,” I said, “out loud!”
Impassive, unmovable Carlos suddenly dropped all pretence; he grabbed my arm and pulled me close. “That’s a great idea!”
His enthusiasm startled me, and I squirmed, trying to laugh it off. But Carlos pressed for more and I couldn’t help elaborating. I told him how I rely on this fantasy to lift me from my darkest moods. It’s not exactly impossible, by any means. I do have the place already established here. What if this little coffee-slash-donut shop at the last stop on the El shed its sleepy ambience and became a meeting place for like-minded souls; a haven to feel psychologically and emotionally safe; free to share the details, the ins and outs, the maybes and what-ifs surrounding their most urgent lifelong desires; their reasons for living, if you will?
(Click here to read the next episode.)
